The Politicist

Congress To-Do List (Translation)

The White House posted a Congress To-Do List before Congress breaks for the summer recess. We’ve posted the list here (with translation):

REWARD AMERICAN JOBS, NOT OUTSOURCING

White House explanation of what Congress should do:

Pass legislation to attract and keep good jobs in the United States by rewarding companies who bring jobs back to America with lower taxes and pay for it by eliminating tax incentives for companies to ship jobs overseas.

The Politicist translation of the White House explanation:

We at the White House need a way to connect with the American people. Our polling and focus groups say that outsourcing is a hot topic among Americans, so we’d like to offer a tax incentive to companies that only hire Americans… just this once because we realize that favoring tax incentives is uncharacteristic for us. Usually we like to punish upward mobility by taking from those who have (via taxation) and giving to those who don’t have as much. We also realize that we know nothing about how the free market economy works and therefore have decided to punish those companies who cannot afford American workers — companies who choose to use overseas labor. If we had known how the free market economy works, we’d have realized the need to simply entice companies to use American labor instead of also punishing companies that don’t use American labor. But we digress.

EXPAND REFINANCING FOR RESPONSIBLE HOMEOWNERS

White House explanation of what Congress should do:

Pass legislation to cut red tape so hard working, responsible homeowners who are paying their mortgage can refinance at today’s low interest rates. Part of the basic American promise is that if you work hard and act responsibly, home ownership should be an achievable dream. While government can’t fix the housing crisis alone, responsible homeowners shouldn’t have to wait for the market to hit bottom to get some relief and get back on their feet.

The Politicist translation of the White House explanation:

We at the White House don’t really care if you have a house or not. We care about votes from people who think they are entitled to owning a house of their choice. Like you, we think that if you work hard at your job, regardless of what your job is and regardless of the risk and sacrifices that others have taken to achieve better-paying jobs, you should have the opportunity to own your own home because, again, you work just as hard as anyone else. While we realize the government is grossly inefficient, and at times can be somewhat tyrannical, we are benevolent and will try as hard as possible to make you dependent on the government for sustaining your livelihoods and ultimately create a Utopian society where everyone is on the same, level playing field… except for us, of course, because we know better than you on how to manage a nation. We promise that when we’re in power and you all are on a level playing field, we won’t rub it in your face that we’re eating cheesecake while you’re standing in line to buy bread. Okay, that was a bad joke. That’s never happened before in history. No, seriously, it hasn’t… Anyway, how ‘bout them Jets?

INVEST IN TAX CREDITS FOR SMALL BUSINESS JOBS

White House explanation of what Congress should do:

Pass legislation to help hard working small business owners create jobs by giving them a tax credit for new hires and tax relief for investments they make.

The Politicist translation of the White House explanation:

We at the White House have not ourselves created jobs in the private sector. In fact, we don’t really know what the private sector is. Don’t those include policemen, firefighters, and teachers? Anyway, we’re trying really hard to appeal to small businesses. That’s why we’re offering a tax credit for new hires and tax relief for investments they make. Although if you think about it — which we haven’t — why would a business owner hire an extra employee if they can’t afford to? A tax credit won’t help incentivize business owners. Oh well. We can’t take back our offer… or else we’d look like fools… or worse, idiots.

INVEST IN CLEAN ENERGY MANUFACTURING

White House explanation of what Congress should do:

Pass legislation to invest in American clean energy manufacturers who create American jobs through innovative new technologies and fuels that reduce our reliance on foreign oil and lead to more secure energy sources.

The Politicist translation of the White House explanation:

Basically, we’re going to regulate the hell [and profits] out of you. By the way, forget about Solyndra. That’s old news. Green is the new black.

CREATE A VETERANS JOBS CORPS

White House explanation of what Congress should do:

Pass legislation to honor our commitment to returning veterans by creating a Veterans Job Corps to help Afghanistan and Iraq veterans get jobs as cops, firefighters, and serving their communities.

The Politicist translation of the White House explanation:

We at the White House are trying really, really hard to win military votes. Won’t you love us, veterans? Pretty please? We promise we’re not just trying to create even more government-dependent citizens.